Cautious to a fault: Self-protection and the trajectory of marital satisfaction

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Abstract

A contextual model of self-protection is proposed to explain when adhering to cautious “if–then” rules in daily interaction erodes marital satisfaction. People can self-protect against partner non-responsiveness by distancing when a partner seems rejecting, promoting a partner's dependence when feeling unworthy, or by devaluing a partner in the face of costs. The model implies that being less trusting elicits self-protection, and that mismatches between self-protective practices and encountered risk accelerate declines in satisfaction. A longitudinal study of newlyweds revealed that the fit between self-protection practices and risk predicted declines in satisfaction over three years. When people self-protected more initially, satisfaction declined more in low-risk (i.e., low conflict, resilient partner) than high-risk relationships (i.e., high conflict, vulnerable partner). However, when people self-protected less initially, satisfaction declined more in high-risk than low-risk relationships. Process evidence was consistent with moderated mediation: In low-risk relationships only, being less trusting predicted higher levels of self-protective caution that forecast later declines in satisfaction.

Highlights

► When does practicing self-protective if–then rules erode marital satisfaction? ► Fit between “if–then” rules and risk forecast newlywed declines in satisfaction. ► When self-protected more, satisfaction declined more in low-risk relationships. ► When self-protected less, satisfaction declined more in high-risk relationships. ► In low-risk relationships, less trust predicted caution and declines in satisfaction.

Introduction

Is caution in love truly fatal to happiness? Some degree of self-protective caution does seem prudent. Because partners are interdependent in multiple ways, they cannot help but hurt and disappoint one another (Murray & Holmes, 2009). Given such rejection risks, partners might be wise to hesitate to depend on one another at certain times (Murray et al., 2006, Wieselquist et al., 1999). Nonetheless, being unduly cautious could easily prove fatal to happiness. Indeed, growing evidence suggests that sustained relationship satisfaction involves risking connection and making a leap of faith (see Gagne and Lydon, 2004, Fletcher and Kerr, 2010 for reviews). For instance, people who believe that their presumably imperfect partner mirrors their ideals experience no decline in satisfaction over the newlywed years (Murray, Griffin, Derrick, Harris, Aloni, & Leder, 2011).

Because caution could help or hinder relationships, this paper advances a contextual model of self-protection and its effects on new marriages. Building on a new theory of interdependence (Murray and Holmes, 2009, Murray and Holmes, 2011), we conceptualize self-protection in terms of the “if–then” rules that govern thought and behavior. Our model assumes that Gayle can protect against rejection through her tendency to push Ron away when she fears rejection, to make efforts to increase his commitment to her when she feels unworthy of him, or to value him less when he interferes with her personal goals. Our model further assumes that the amount of self-protective caution Gayle exercises should depend on both her trust in Ron and the risks of rejection and non-responsiveness she actually encounters in her relationship. Consequently, being less trusting should only inspire self-protective caution that is fatal to satisfaction when such caution is not warranted by the severity of the encountered risks (Murray & Holmes, 2011).

Section snippets

The “if–then” rules for motivating responsiveness

Relationship satisfaction and stability depend on partners being mutually responsive to one another's needs (Kelley and Thibaut, 1978, Reis et al., 2004). However, behaving responsively is not always an easy task. Consider the typical experiences of newlyweds. Once married, partners shift their joint pursuits from leisure activities both partners desire to household drudgery neither partner enjoys (Huston, McHale, & Crouter, 1986). Conflicts also increase as partners discover ways in which

A contextual model of self-protection

Fig. 2 presents the contextual model of self-protection that results from the assumption that people can misperceive risk and self-protect (or fail to self-protect) when it is not in the relationship's long-term interest. This contextual model hypothesizes that being less trusting only inspires self-protective caution that undermines satisfaction when caution is not warranted by the encountered risks. In technical terms, it specifies a pattern of moderated mediation (Preacher, Rucker, & Hayes,

Research strategy and hypotheses

Because marital instability puts physical and psychological health at risk, identifying factors that predict declines in marital satisfaction is of great practical importance (Karney & Bradbury, 1995). The current paper utilizes an existing sample of newlyweds to test a new set of longitudinal hypotheses. In so doing, it provides the first test of a new perspective on interdependence that attributes power to make or break relationship bonds to the “if–then” rules partners practice (Murray and

Participants

Two hundred and twenty-two childless couples in first marriages between two and six months in length participated in a 7-wave longitudinal study in upstate NY. Eleven couples separated or divorced during this time period. The final sample consisted of the 193 couples that completed 3 or more of the bi-annual assessments. The sample was predominantly White (89%). At Table 1, participants averaged 27.2 (SD = 4.0) years in age and the median family income ranged from $40,000 to $70,000 per year.

Results

In proceeding, we first describe the logic and analyses underlying our indices of self-protective “if–then” rule habits and experienced risk. Next, we utilize a multilevel modeling approach to determine whether self-protective “if–then” rule habits and risk interact in predicting changes in satisfaction. When people initially practiced more self-protective “if–then” rules, we expected satisfaction to decline more in low-risk (i.e., low initial conflict, partner who is more personally resilient)

Discussion

The findings suggest that Russell's romantic admonition requires some revision. Caution itself is not fatal to true happiness. Instead, practicing self-protective rule habits in circumstances that do not warrant caution precipitates steep declines in satisfaction. Thus, it is being cautious to a fault that may be fatal to true happiness.

Conclusion

Interdependent relationships routinely put the goal to connect to the partner in conflict with the goal to self-protect against the partner's potential rejection and non-responsiveness (Murray et al., 2006). In this context, exercising self-protective caution is prudent when it is appropriate to the likely risks. However, being in the habit of self-protecting against imagined risks predisposes people who are less trusting to precipitous declines in satisfaction. Thus, it is being unduly or

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  • Cited by (0)

    We thank Maya Aloni, Lisa Jaremka, Sadie Leder, Cara O'Donnell and numerous undergraduate research assistants for their help with this research. This research was supported by a grant from the National Institute of Mental Health (MH 60105-08) to S. Murray.

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