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“We Need to Understand the Whole Story”: A Discursive Analysis of the Responses of Informal Support Networks to Help Seeking by Women Experiencing Abuse from Men in a Small South African Town

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Abstract

In the responses of informal networks to women seeking help for domestic violence, discourses of privatization, minimization and blame shifting emerged as salient. In particular, the discourse of “We need to understand the whole story” was frequently used to justify violence against those women who were seen as potentially violating gendered norms. This paper explores how these discourses contribute to the continuation of women abuse and to negative help seeking experiences for women seeking help for abuse. These discourses are embedded in the cultural contexts within which women seek help and are challenging to overcome by the women themselves. Hence, it is important that these discourses are contested and new narratives that enable help-seeking and help provision are constructed.

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Authors and Affiliations

  1. Department of Social Work and Community Development, University of Johannesburg, Corner Kingsway and University Road, Auckland Park, Johannesburg, South Africa

    Innocent Mwatsiya & Shahana Rasool

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  1. Innocent Mwatsiya
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Correspondence to Innocent Mwatsiya.

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Appendices

Appendix A: Vignette

The following is the vignette on which the conversations below were based;

Bongi has been staying with her boyfriend for 4 years. Ever since they started staying together, Bongi’s boyfriend banned her from hanging with her male friends. Even when she is with her female friends, Bongi’s boyfriend calls her and demands to know where they are and what they are doing. If Bongi does not comply, the boyfriend may become physically violent.

Appendix B: Focus Group Discussions

  1. 1.

    Researcher: Well, to begin with, what are your views on Bongi’s situation?

  2. 2.

    Tebogo: When I listen to the story I don’t think this is a healthy relationship, no. I think this is a guy who

  3. 3.

    wants to control this woman and…..

  4. 4.

    Sophie: Yes, I was also going to say the same thing myself; that this guy sounds controlling. I don’t know why

  5. 5.

    Bongi is still with this guy. I don’t get why us women we stay in such relationships; personally I would not be in

  6. 6.

    such a relationship. I think she should be leaving this guy.

  7. 7.

    Moeketsi: I think we need to understand the whole story. I am not saying what this guy is doing is

  8. 8.

    right, no, but don’t we need to understand why he is doing this? And why is it that this woman is going out with

  9. 9.

    men especially without her boyfriend, you see where it all begins here? That’s just the way I see it

  10. 10.

    Tebogo: Yeah, I think you are right there chief. What the man is doing is not okay, right. He should not be

  11. 11.

    controlling ahem what’s her name ahem Bongi but we need to know more about their relationship. What

  12. 12.

    happened after Bongi moved in that caused this guy to be like this? Because it says here that this just started

  13. 13.

    after Bongi moved in. So if you ask me I would say something has happened to cause this guy to act this way, you

  14. 14.

    see? What is it that happened? Because you will find that maybe this guy has been cheated on before by this girl

  15. 15.

    or by another girl you see and then now he behaves this way. Because if you read again here it’s like this girl likes

  16. 16.

    going out a lot, now this guy tries calling her and she does not answer. There’s definitely more to this story

  17. 17.

    Tshidi: I do not agree with you, I’m sorry. I think this guy is controlling regardless of their relationship and where

  18. 18.

    it’s coming from. Why do we need to know more details when this is very clear; even if this guy was cheated on

  19. 19.

    that gives him no right to abuse a woman especially if she is not the one who cheated on her and even if it’s her,

  20. 20.

    then why is he still staying in the relationship when he feels insecure? I don’t think it’s right, no.

  21. 21.

    James: I think what these men are saying is not that it’s okay that this guy is acting this way, no. But it’s that we

  22. 22.

    need to understand where he is coming from, you see. We all have our stories in terms of where we are coming

  23. 23.

    from, you follow me? So let’s first understand where he is coming from. And like you said Tshidi this guy is

  24. 24.

    controlling and I’m not saying that is okay but it’s different from if he was locking the girl inside or if he was

  25. 25.

    hitting her, you see. So, to get to the bottom of this, we need to find out what happened; maybe there was some

  26. 26.

    cheating in the past we don’t know, but we need to find out without judging this guy, people.

  27. 27.

    Tom: Yeah the problem is people are quick to judge and men are always blamed. To me, there are a lot of

  28. 28.

    unknown things here. Like first, we have just heard one side of the story and that is the woman’s side. We don’t

  29. 29.

    even know their relationship in a way that we can say we know these people enough to comment on their

  30. 30.

    problems. Maybe this guy is actually a nice guy but because he is a man he is being blamed here. We don’t even

  31. 31.

    know who are these men that the girl is being stopped from seeing. What if these are ex-boyfriends who still want

  32. 32.

    this girl back? Can we blame a man for protecting his relationship?

  33. 33.

    Busi: I agree with Tshidi here, I do not get why we need to understand the boyfriend’s side of the story. He is

  34. 34.

    obviously not a nice guy, not when he is treating his girlfriend like this. And it says in the story that if the girl does

  35. 35.

    not do what the boyfriend wants he can be violent so we can’t say he is just controlling, he also hits her. I say

  36. 36.

    this is wrong no matter what this guy has been through before.

  37. 37.

    Moeketsi: And we are not disagreeing with that. We all agree on that one Busi. All we are saying is that this guy

  38. 38.

    seems to be trying to manage an issue between him and his woman by putting measures in place so we need to

  39. 39.

    understand what that problem is that he is trying to manage. Again people, we are all human, we get to that

  40. 40.

    point where you can’t go on anymore and you break. So if this guy is being violent to Bongi that is not okay but

  41. 41.

    we need to understand the bigger problem because the behaviors are just the symptoms of the problem and we

  42. 42.

    can’t just address the symptoms without looking at what caused the problem.

  43. 43.

    Researcher: Okay so if you don’t mind me starting the conversation with you Moeketsi, how would you respond if

  44. 44.

    Bongi approaches you to seek help with her experiences?

  45. 45.

    Moeketsi: If she says she needs help, I will obviously support her.

  46. 46.

    Researcher: What kind of support would you offer her, sorry I’m not trying to put you on the spot here

  47. 47.

    Moeketsi: It really depends on what she wants, I would support her in any way I can, really.

  48. 48.

    Researcher: What would that involve? And I’m not just asking you Moeketsi, this is open to the whole

  49. 49.

    group too, how would you respond to Bongi?

  50. 50.

    Tom: I would sit down with her and listen to the whole story. Like we have said myself and

  51. 51.

    Moeketsi and also Tebogo, there is a story here and what we have is just one side of it, we need to

  52. 52.

    understand the story

  53. 53.

    Researcher: Okay and then what would you do?

  54. 54.

    Tebogo: I’d say it depends on the details that we get and whether at that particular time there is physical

  55. 55.

    abuse that might need a doctor or not. If let’s say the couple have problems where this lady has been

  56. 56.

    found with other men, and she has not been physically abused by the boyfriend but she is just being

  57. 57.

    stopped from going out because they have this problem in their relationship then that’s different you see. It’s

  58. 58.

    unlike an abusive man who just abuses his partner for no reason. To me, if this is about cheating then we are

  59. 59.

    looking at a couple who have problems in their relationship and the boyfriend might not

  60. 60.

    have acted rightfully when he was trying to address their problems. So at the end of the day to me, it

  61. 61.

    comes down to the two of them talking things out in the right way if they choose to do so. And this may be hard

  62. 62.

    so they may need someone to mediate between the two of them so I would probably sit with them to make sure

  63. 63.

    they can resolve their problems

  64. 64.

    Tshidi: I also think that they need someone to speak with them. In our culture, they can speak with the aunt or

  65. 65.

    another elder in the family but also there are social workers so I would encourage them to have the family speak

  66. 66.

    about this or to go to a social worker for help.

  67. 67.

    Sophie: Yes, I definitely think they should see an elder or maybe a pastor. They can also go for

  68. 68.

    counselling. But this man must know though that a real man does not lift his hand at a woman. So if he is being

  69. 69.

    violent here, I still go back to what we spoke about earlier when I said this is a controlling guy. I think Bongi

  70. 70.

    should leave. I understand the men here are saying a lot about the guy’s history but I still think this is a bad

  71. 71.

    relationship.

  72. 72.

    Tom: I will go back to the issue that we should not judge. We cannot start talking about leaving the

  73. 73.

    relationship and putting pressure on this girl when we don’t know the full story. Otherwise we may end up

  74. 74.

    breaking their relationship when this lady is not in any danger from the boyfriend but they just

  75. 75.

    need help with talking about this issue. We need to understand where these people are coming from

  76. 76.

    first so I say sit down with both of them without judging any of them

  77. 77.

    Researcher: And Tshidi you mentioned that you would recommend a social worker

  78. 78.

    Tshidi: Yes, because I think a social worker would know how to respond unlike a person who is not trained to deal

  79. 79.

    with conflict in relationships

  80. 80.

    Busi: I agree with what the other people are saying. I think an elderly person might be able to tell this man,

  81. 81.

    Sophie, that what he is doing is wrong. Even the social worker too can do that but as long as he knows that this is

  82. 82.

    wrong

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Mwatsiya, I., Rasool, S. “We Need to Understand the Whole Story”: A Discursive Analysis of the Responses of Informal Support Networks to Help Seeking by Women Experiencing Abuse from Men in a Small South African Town. Gend. Issues 38, 284–304 (2021). https://doi.org/10.1007/s12147-021-09286-3

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